Depending on how strict the airline is, some flight crews will make their safety presentations funnier. Here are some of the better ones that I havew found on the web. Any more?

Intro

1. “Ladies and gentlemen, did anyone lose a wallet near the front of the aircraft? – (silence) – We found a brown leather wallet on the floor (again, more silence……..). Ok, now that we have your attention, let’s begin the safety briefing…
2. Please pretend that you care while we go over these important announcements.
3. Welcome to SWA flight #3479. This is a non-stop, non-whining, non-complaining flight all the way to Ft. Lauderdale International Airport.
4. ‘I’ll now do the safety briefing. No doubt you are all familiar with this and know it all?’ Businessmen all nod, ‘ Well, you sir, would you come up here and demonstrate then?’
5. ‘”… Cabin crew put the cat out and prepare the cabin for landing” (mild chortles from a few) followed a few seconds later by:”miaaaaaoooooooooow….”[a pretty good imitation of a startled cat being ejected] (more or less everyone in the cabin convulsed
6. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
7. the cabin lights will be dimmed.Please don’t take advantage of the situation
8. ‘Please switch of all electrical appliances, mobile phones, walkmen and vacuum cleaners

Smoking

1. “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”
2. “Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
3. Federal law prohibits tampering with, disabling or destroying any smoke detectors in the lavatory, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah…
4. Smoking isn’t permitted in the lavatories so please don’t try it because it’s late and I don’t want to fill out any paperwork tonight
5. This is a non-smoking flight. If you feel the need to smoke, you may do so by stepping out onto the wing. If you can light it, you can smoke it. Doing so will make you a part of our in-flight feature film, Gone with the Wind.
6. Anybody found smoking in the toilet will be taken to the rear of the plane and given a good thrashing’.

Seatbelts

1. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised
2. To fasten your seat belt slide the flat end into the buckle in front of you. To release lift up on the buckle or tear it off whichever works for you.

Emergency Exits

1. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
2. “If you don’t like our service, or the flight gets too long, we have six emergency exits…”
3. If you are seated in an exit row you may be required to assist during an evacuation process, and no, you’re not getting a free drink for volunteering
4. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

 

Safety Jackets

1. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
2. “a beautiful yellow life jacket is located under your seat. Place the life jacket over your head and pull the straps down. Cross them around your own lovely body and tie them forward etc etc”.
3. the lifejacket is fitted with a whistle,this can be used for attracting sailors or sharks

Safety card

1. If you did not bring any reading material, we have one for you, and that’s the safety information card. Have a look at it, and then locate the nearest exit and also locate the weaker people so you can push them out of the way if we need to evacuate the aircraft.
2. Please read this [Safety briefing] card carefully as a written exam will be performed during the flight”.

Oxygen Masks

1. We don’t expect to experience a loss of cabin pressure…if we did we wouldn’t have come to work today…but if one does occur…”
2. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, 3 oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you’re traveling with your child, put your mask on first before helping your child. If you’re traveling with several children, pick your favorite child and help that one first
3. Our 737 is equipped with an oxygen system so after you stop screaming and beating off the person next to you…..”
4. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face